


Head Over Heart

by Clexnation



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Army, Army lexa, Bisexual Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin Takes Care of Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa Smut, Domestic Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Dr clarke, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, F/M, Hosptial, Lexa Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The 100), Madi is Clarke Griffin and Lexa's Child, Married Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soldier Lexa (The 100), Soulmates Clarke Griffin/Lexa, War, captain lexa, dr finn, lexa military, lexa woods - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clexnation/pseuds/Clexnation
Summary: Clarke was pregnant and in love with her soldier wife. What should have been a simple mission, goes south. Lexa is rescued years after being declared dead by the military. Will she be able to adjust back to civilian life?Don't judge Clarke too soon. She get's a major backstory after chapter three. It will help you understand her more.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia & Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Luna/Raven Reyes
Comments: 68
Kudos: 214





	1. Chapter 1

It had been two years since Lexa was declared dead by the military. Four years since her wife went missing after a mission gone sideways. "Today we honor Polis's own war hero. Captain Alexandria Woods, purple heart recipient and one of the most decorated soldiers in the United States Army." The news anchor says

Photos of Lexa were splayed across the screen. Her graduation photo from highschool at Polis high, her college graduation at Harvard when she got her law degree, and military photos with her unit. 

Polis was a small town and Lexa was very well known. 

"Along with Captain Woods, we honor Sargeant Lincoln Moss. Captain Woods and Sargeant Moss were initially declared M.I.A (Missing in action) after their platoon chopper was shot down during a black ops mission four years ago. Following a lengthy investigation, they were officially declared K.I.A (Killed in action) two years later. Today, we honor their sacrifice and achievements.

Photos of Lincoln played on the screen

"Can you shut that off," Clarke asked from the kitchen 

Finn gave a sad smile." Sure babe," he replied as he turned off the television and moved to the kitchen to wrap his arms around Clarke. 

"Momma, can we go to the park?" Madi asked running out of her room in her pajamas

She was the spitting image of Lexa and it broke Clarke's heart sometimes. Unruly curls were a mess from her slumber. She missed her wife more and more each day. They always say it gets easier but it hasn't yet. Each day feels heavier. The dog tags around her neck felt heavier. Anya and Luna had memorial tags made for her and Octavia.

Clarke will never forget that dreadful day that changed her life forever. That rapture of knocks on this very front door. Outside stood her unit in their uniforms. She opened the door and had a face of surprise. She scanned them looking for her wife but all she saw was solemn looks. She clutched her newborn baby Madi tightly to her chest. 

"No," Clarke said as tears fell down her face 

"Clarke-" Luna goes to say 

Clarke dropped to her knees and a shaky hand covered her mouth as she began to sob hysterically. Luna took Madi into her arms and Anya pulled Clarke into a tight hug. 

A bald man stepped forward and cleared his throat

"Clarke Griffin-Woods, I am sergeant major Titus O'Neil. I am here on behalf of the United States Army to inform you that Captain Alexandria Woods was declared M.I.A (missing in action) after a black ops mission. Their chopper encountered enemy fire and was shot out of the sky. Your wife successfully evacuated her unit before attempting a crash landing. She and Lincoln Moss were struck by an enemy RPG. We lost contact after the communication system was destroyed. They never made it to the rally point. Search teams were sent to the crash site but no bodies were recovered. I assure you the Army is putting all of its resources into trying to bring them home." 

They never recovered them though. She started to hate the phone calls from Luna and Anya. Each time her hope dwindled less and less. The Woods sisters refused to come home until they found some sign of either life or death from their baby sister. Clarke and Octavia buried empty caskets two years ago when they were officially declared dead. The new mother was forced to pick up the pieces and move on with her life. 

Luna and Anya were haunted by that night all of these years. Constantly replaying the twist of events each time their eyes closed. They lost their baby sister but they also lost their dear friend Lincoln. What started out as any normal mission went south in a matter of seconds. 

"Alright girl scouts, wheels up in ten," Luna said as she started up the chopper

"Just try not to kill us, Helen Keller." Anya snorted

"Ryder couldn't see that mountain either. Nobody died. You're so dramatic." Luna scoffed 

Her team loaded the chopper. Back at base, Kane was running quarterback for the operation. They were working with a few CIA agents to infiltrate a terrorist group. 

"Commander Woods, taking a break from desk duty? does your wife know?" Quint teased 

Commander was a title she earned over the years. She was a born leader and it did not take long for it to shine through during her early years in the service. She joined the military right out of high school. She attended Harvard along with her sisters to pursue law degrees at the government's expense. 

"They couldn't have given me a better sniper? Jeez, we must be desperate between you and CIA agents tagging along." Lexa retorted with a wink

"Oh shut it. You know I'm the best of the best baby." Quint replied crossing his arms 

"Yeah yeah just try not to shoot one of us in the ass this time." Lexa chuckled 

"Newbie shouldn't have walked in front of my line of target." Quint retorted

"Alright. Let's get this show on the road." Lexa said sternly 

"Keep it PG kids. Daddy doesn't like it when you use bad words." Quint says mockingly 

"Titus will have your ass when you get back you know that. The comms are already on Sargent." Luna laughed

"Oh for fucks sake. You traitor." Quint says 

Everyone busts out laughing 

"Glad to see you're enjoying yourselves. Remember the clock is not on your side. Luna will hover the chopper while you all propel down on the ropes. You have five minutes to make it to the rally point before being spotted. From there, team Bravo will come in from the east." Bellamy says 

Quint was joking around with Artigus in the back 

"Pay attention. I won't have my platoon making a mockery of me out there." Lexa snaps 

"Sha Heda." They all said in unison

Lexa was a force to be reckoned with. She saw battle her first year in Afganistan. She remembered she was on a skype call with Clarke when gunfire and explosions were heard. 

"Woods! get your ass out here private!" One yelled from outside the tent flap before he was shot dead in his tracks. Lexa's breath hitched as she quickly grabbed her gun and made her way out of the tent. 

An explosion went off and she was thrown onto her back

"Lexa!" Clarke sobbed watching it all happen from the webcam 

Lexa grunted and crawled over to the dead body and grabbed the radio off him. She stood up and Clarke could see blood and debris on her face as she tried to catch her breath. 

"This is Private Woods. Our base is under attack. Sergent Caspier is dead. We are requesting immediate support." Lexa says

"Copy that Private Woods. Air support is forty minutes out." Titus said 

"We'll all be dead before they get here!" Quint yelled coming into the tent and reloading 

Another explosion went off the computer's connection dropped. Lexa stared at the black screen for a moment.

"Sir, we don't have the numbers or ammo to hold this attack off that long..." Lexa said as grenades went off around her. 

"The other closest base to offer support would take twice as long. One of you needs to step up and lock that base down Private!" Titus snapped 

"Son of a Bitch!" Lexa yelled throwing the radio 

"Woods, how far out are they?" Ryder yelled as he came bursting through the tent

"Too far," Lexa replied 

Anya ran into the tent clutching her bleeding arm 

"We are dropping like flies. I saw this man's head being blown off in front of me. What is the plan?" She asked 

"Hold down the fort," Lexa says 

The small team effectively held down the base until air support arrived. They became family that day. Each willing to lay down their life for their brothers and sisters. Lexa was promoted after that incident and she led her platoon through many different missions over the years. She became a war hero and the most decorated soldier in the history of the army within a few short years. She did unheard-of things as not only a newer recruit but as a woman no less. 

"Commander?" Luna asked breaking her from her memory 

"Hmm?" Lexa said 

"Are you ready sis? we are about five clicks out." Luna says 

Lexa looked around the men and woman in the chopper

"In & out. We are on a time crunch. Be aware of your surroundings. I want everyone alive on this chopper going home." Lexa says 

"Ten-four," Ryder says 

They flew through the night and it was peaceful for a moment until it all quickly went downhill

Gunshots rang out and Luna yelled in pain 

"She's been hit. I have the controls." Ryder says pulling up on the joystick 

"Get on that gun now!" Lexa yelled out

Anya got on the torrent and started returning fire 

"Luna, talk to me?" Lexa says 

"I'm fine. It went clean through my leg." Luna says hissing

Lexa takes off her belt and gives it to her to cut off the blood flow

"Captain Woods, what's going on?" Kane asks with panic in his voice 

"They hit the propeller. We are going down." Ryder yells out gripping the joystick firmly to keep them steady

Alarms and lights start sounding in the chopper

"Captain Woods! report." Kane says 

"They took out the propeller. Enemy fire coming from northeast about 4 clicks out from rally point. Chopper is going down sir." Woods says in the headset

"Any casualties?" Kane asks 

"Alert Bravo and Charlie," Bellamy says to someone on the control panels 

"Right away sir." They reply 

"Luna has been shot but-" Lexa goes to reply but suddenly more gunfire erupts and the chopper starts descending fast 

"Lexa!" Luna shouts in a panicked voice trying to pull the chopper up with Ryder. Both grunting to fight against the controls 

"What are my options for a crash landing, sir?" Lexa asks 

"There's a body of water one click out to the east," Kane says 

"Take us there. Everyone will jump out. I will land the chopper." Lexa says

"Captain-" Quint goes to say

"That's an order! everyone will swim to shore and rally with Bravo as planned. We have a mission to do." Lexa says sternly 

"Sha Heda." He replies 

Lexa helped Luna out of the seat and hopped in and took over the controls. Lincoln told Ryder to get out of his seat once Lexa took over. He and Lexa had been pilots at one point and time but didn't like being on the sidelines. They both switched to active duty early on. He hopped into Ryder's seat and gave her a nod.

They hover over the water as best they can. She watches them all jump out one by one until it is just her and Lincoln. She orders him to get out. He moves out of the seat. 

"Captain Woods?" Kane asks 

"Alpha team has cleared the chopper. They are swimming to rally point. Moss and I are attempting crash-" Lexa goes to say 

"RPG. RPG!" Lincoln yells over his shoulder to her

"Lincoln Jum-" Lexa screamed

Their comms went dead

"Get them back!" Kane shouted 

"Sir, we lost contact with the chopper...." One said looking at the computer screen 

"Do we have satellite visual?" Kane asks 

"Negative sir," Bellamy says solemnly 

Everyone in the command room was silent 

Lexa and Lincoln had jumped off the chopper in time. They make their way to shore and tried to head towards the rally point. Lexa had hurt her leg when she was thrown into a tree. Lincoln wrapped her arm around him and dragged her along. They trudged through the terrain for a while. The last thing Lexa remembered was foreign voices and the sharp pain in the back of her head before everything went black. 

"Alright Kane, we are going dark," Echo says 

"Copy that team Bravo... Has team Alpha met you at the rally point?" Kane asks 

"All are accounted for except Woods and Moss sir..." Echo replies 

"God speed soldiers," Kane says before the connection cuts out 

The mission went almost according to plan. They got in and infiltrated the base of operation pretty quickly. They loaded onto Bravo and Charlie's choppers. They scanned the area near the crash site with thermal goggles in search of survivors but they didn't find anything. Kane ordered them to return back to base and told them that an official investigation and search team will be sent out. They had been overseas far too long. This was the longest tour they had ever done. 264 days but who was counting? The ride back was unusually quiet. Anya held Luna in her arms the whole ride back. 

As they landed back on base, they were greeted by a large crowd of fellow soldiers on base. All clapping. They were all called to attention and Kane called out the names of every soldier that was on the mission at ease until all that remained were two pairs of combat boots in the spots Lincoln and Lexa would have been in. 

"Captian Alexandria Woods," Kane called out swallowing the lump in his throat

It was so silent you could hear the breathing of the person next to you. Anya and Luna tried to hold back the tears from falling down their faces.

"Sergeant Lincoln Moss," Kane called out

They all paid a moment of respect for those who did not return home. They were declared M.I.A initially. 

Anya and Luna went home alone to tell their adoptive parents. Indra and Gustus were never the same after that. They were used to their daughters being injured over there and getting calls from various hospitals but never did they expect this. The whole platoon went to Clarke's to break the news to the new mother. 

Madi was growing up so fast. Everything she did would remind her of Lexa, from the way her brows furrowed when she was deep in thought to the small half-smiles she would give. 

The whole platoon signed up for another tour. They wanted revenge for their fallen brother and sister. Each mission they went on, they became numb to the outside world. They were driven to the common goal of finding some kind of closure. They knew that they were out there somewhere. People don't just up and vanish and bodies were never recovered. They put their families and lives on hold for the cause.


	2. Chapter Two

Over the years, their hope diminished more and more with each of these missions. It was almost like flying on autopilot. They were just going through the motions at this point. No closer to any sign at this point. It was frustrating. The girls kept in touch with Clarke and Madi back home. She grew more and more each day. 

Their hearts always hurt seeing the girl who looked just like their fallen sister. They hadn't been home since the funeral. They found it easier for them to be away than to have the sad looks at them for coming home. Having to answer again and again that there was no news on Lexa. Indra took it hard. She was usually a stoic woman but she had such a soft spot for the girl. She was the baby after all. 

"Alright, unit 314. We will have three teams. You all are familiar with each other minus a few new faces." Titus says 

They were the exact same three teams sent on the mission where they lost Lincoln and Lexa.

"Sergent Woods... will be leading this mission," Titus says 

"Which Woods?" Luna chuckles 

"Anya," Titus replies 

"Alright. As we know, this is my sister and I's first mission back with this group since... well you know. Let's get in and out without any casualties. We do this in honor of Lexa and Lincoln. " Anya says 

Everyone nods their heads 

"You know the drill. Wheels up in ten. The taxi will be outside girls." Luna says with a wink as she gets up to leave 

They board the chopper and Anya puts a hand on Luna's shoulder 

"Try not to get shot this time. I'm not carrying you through the woods again." She says 

"You love being my battle buddy sis." Luna smirks 

"I love being your battle buddy when it involves me getting perks like your m&m's from the MRE'S or the cookies from Clarke's care packages," Anya replies 

Luna hums and reaches into her pocket. She throws the bag of candy over her shoulder. Peanut m&m's. They were always Lexa's favorite of the MRE options for dessert. Anya sighed and opened the bag. 

"Alright, you are clear to take off," Kane says 

"Lima Charlie." (Loud and Clear) Luna says as she starts it up 

"You'll be landing a few clicks out from their base. Monty was able to narrow down its location. Bravo and Charlie will meet you at the rally point." Kane says 

"Going dark. Talk to you soon Sir." Luna says 

It was a quiet ride over. Quint and Anya had their eyes peeled for any enemies in the area 

All three teams met up at the rally point 

"Alright, we have multiple heat signatures detected. We will make our way around these three points. Stick together." Anya says 

"See you all soon. Good luck." Luna says in the coms as she pulls up on the helicopter taking it to where they will all meet after the mission is complete 

"May we meet again," Anya says back 

They breach the front doors and are met with gunfire immediately 

"We have contact. Returning fire." Anya says as her team presses forward eliminating the enemy

"Contact in the east stairwell," Echo says 

A man rushes towards Anya and she shoots him and holds onto his body by his neck. Using him as a human shield from the enemy fire that was unleashed. She shot through the man and took out two enemies. She let his body drop to the ground and they continued to clear the hall. 

Echo's team continues to clear their hall

"I have something," Roan says as the light from his assault rifle follows a wire that trailed along the ceiling of the hallway they were in. 

"What is it?" Echo asks

"Something important if they needed the power there," Roan says following it

"Investigating east hallway. We found wires. Standby." Echo says in the comms 

"Lima Charlie. We are all clear down this way." Bravo team says 

"Alpha team is clear as well. Looks like Nia is long gone." Ryder says 

"Alright, let's move out. Let the nerds do whatever it is they do." Anya says 

Harper scoffs "You have zero appreciation for us." 

"I appreciate you more than Quint," Anya says with a smirk

Everyone chuckles 

Roan and Echo look at each other as they approach a door. Echo silently gives the nod to breach. Their team all has guns ready to clear the room the second Roan blows the locked door. He places C-4 on the door and he runs quickly back behind the wall. They all brace themselves as he clicks the switch. The door is blown off the hinges.

"Breach breach." Echo commands as they all rush into the room with their guns and flashlights trained ahead

They quickly clear the room 

"All clear." One says 

"Echo," Roan says pointing up with his gun to the wires again

They follow them to a wall. There were shelving units in front of the wall. 

"Roan. Look." Echo says looking at the markings on the floor 

"Hey! help me move these," Roan says after whistling to catch their team's attention 

The three men grunt as they move the shelving units out of the way. Echo trains her gun ahead with Roan. He kicked in the hidden door and they barged into the room. The sight they were greeted with was not what they expected. 

Lexa had chains around her hands and ankles. The chains were bolted to the ceiling and floor. They kept her held up by her arms. Her head was slumped down. She was dirty and bloody. Her camo pants were rolled up to mid ankle. She was barefoot and had no shirt on. Just a black sports bra. Her body was littered with various cuts and it looked like a few healed bullet wounds. Dirty/bloody curls covering her face. 

There was a table covered in various tools used for torture. A bucket of water was on the ground next to her and a car battery with jumper cables. 

Echo lowered her gun and moved the hair out of her face. She gasped. 

"Commander," Echo says holding her bruised face in her hands

"There's another door ma'am," Octavia says as she holds her gun to the door

Roan gives her a nod and she kicks in the door. He storms in and comes to a halt. 

Lincoln is in a very similar position as Lexa. Tools of torture surrounding him. His shirtless body battered, bruised, and bloody as well. 

"Lincoln." Octavia breaths as she lowers her gun 

Lincoln's eyes flutter open "Octavia?" He asks 

She nods as tears fall down her face 

"Le..." He rasps out through his dry throat. He swallows harshly and tries again "Lexa?" He asks

"In the other room. We have you." She says 

Roan looks over the tools and finds what he needs to unlock the chains. He makes quick work of them and the team lowers them both to the ground. Lexa was unconscious and in worse shape. Echo could tell her arm was broken. She must have been fighting against the chains. 

"Alright, Charlie stay and collect what you can. Bravo and Alpha let's head out. Taxi is here. We'll take you to the rally point. " Anya says 

"Copy," Echo says as she carries Lexa in her arms 

"Luna, bring that pretty new bird to the rendezvous point," Anya says 

"10-4. Be there in five." Luna says 

"Alpha team to base. I repeat Alpha team to base. Do you copy?" Anya asks 

"Copy Alpha team. Report." Kane says 

"Mission was a success. Threat neutralized. Zero casualties from all teams." Anya says 

"Glad to hear it. Your chopper isn't coming back to base. Bravo and Charlie will be. You're being re-rerouted to Germany." Kane says 

"What the hell is there?" Anya questions

"Charlie found something of interest," Kane says with a smile 

"You know I hate surprises," Anya replies rolling her eyes

"Something tells you you'll like this one," Kane replies with a smile 

Echo and Roan approach their chopper carrying two figures. Anya's eyes narrow. 

"Oh my god," Luna says as she throws open the door and throws off the headset 

Anya sees the familiar bicep tattoo and takes off running towards Echo

"Lexa." Luna sobs 

Echo and Roan help them both onto the chopper. Anya pulls Lexa against her chest and they ride to the German hospital. 

They spent the week in the hospital. Lexa had suffered a broken arm that didn't heal properly and had to be rebroken and set. She had immense bruising all over her body. Her face was beaten and bruised over. Her leg had been broken in various places over the years. She walked with a limp now. The Dr. said that she had nerve damage from the electricity they used to torture her. They gave her a cane. 

They boarded a plane back home where an enormous crowd was awaiting them. As the soldiers filed off the plane, families came and greeted their loved ones. Lexa didn't want her family alerted yet. She wanted to surprise them. A surprise indeed it would be.


	3. Chapter Three

"Welcome home Captain Woods," Quint said as he broke off towards his wife 

Lexa gave a smile. Her sisters grabbed her bag and they took a cab home. Home... the term felt so foreign to her. The thoughts of her wife kept her sane most days. When she was waterboarded or those moments of being unconscious, she found clarity in those blue eyes. She fought all these years for the chance to see them again one day. 

Today was going to be that day. She was nervous. Which felt ridiculous. But it had been years. She had no idea where her life was. She didn't ask. Her ring finger was still a shade lighter where her wedding band used to be. They took it when she was first captured. They took everything from her. Her fists clenched at the thought. 

"Hey, you okay?" Luna asked 

Lexa nodded and unclenched her firsts. Her mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts these days. She almost missed the solitude of that cell. Every single sound and movement had her on edge it seemed. The airport sent her into a panic attack. So many people and loud noises. Luna held her and calmed her down. She wondered if this would be her day-to-day life now. 

They arrived at her parent's house. Luna and Anya grabbed the bags and headed up the familiar steps. Lexa grabbed her cane and took uneasy steps up. Luna unlocked the door and walked in. They tossed the bags on the ground and helped Lexa in. 

"Nomon? Nontu?" (Mother. Father) Anya called out in the language the girls created as children 

A language her whole unit learned to use over the years. It kept them safe from enemies knowing what they said over the open-air channels. 

Indra rubbed her eyes and yawned "I thought I taught you girls manners. It's 6 am. Why didn't you call to let me..." Indra's rant dropped and she gasped in shock 

"Hey, mom," Lexa says 

"My baby." Indra sobbed as she moved and pulled her into a hug

"Honey?" Gustus says as he comes into the room 

"They brought you home to us," Indra says pulling back to cup the young girls bruised face 

Gustus rarely cried. In fact, the only time they had seen their dad cry was when Lexa was M.I.A and for her funeral prior to now. The man broke down like a child. He closed the distance and pulled her into a bear hug. 

"Oh, my little one." He cried clutching her like she'd disappear any moment 

"Thank you. Thank you." Indra said kissing her older daughters cheeks 

"We can't take credit. Echo and Roan found her. Lincoln too." Anya says 

"But you two never gave up. None of you did." Indra says wiping her face 

Not an eye in the room was dry. Everyone was a sobbing mess. After collecting themselves they made Lexa sit down. 

"Have you told Clarke?" Indra asks 

"Not yet. I wanted to surprise you guys." Lexa says 

Indra chuckles "Well this was certainly a surprise my dear. I can't believe you're here. I dreamt about this day for years baby." She says 

"Me too Nomon." (mother) Lexa whispers 

"Clarke's at the hospital with Madi," Anya says looking at the text on her phone 

"Madi," Lexa says 

She remembers when they were going over baby names through letters and phone calls. Madi was the one she loved most. Clarke wanted Ella. Lexa smiled that her wife honored what she wanted. 

"She's beautiful Lex. She looks just like you." Luna says 

"Well, we did use my eggs." Lexa chuckles 

"She is just like you." Anya smiles 

"Well, let's head down there," Lexa says 

"I'll drive you, girls," Indra says 

They all drive down to the hospital. Nobody mentioned Finn. They figured Clarke should discuss that with her. Plus they weren't sure how that would change now that Lexa was home and well alive. 

Finn was a neurosurgeon at the hospital, Abby was a general surgeon, Jackson did Ortho, Raven did Cardio, and Clarke did Trama. She loved the rush of it. Always fast-paced. She wasn't working that day. She and Madi went down to the hospital to bring Finn breakfast. He worked the overnight shift and was going to be off work soon so they could drive him back to their house. Finn still had his own place. Clarke always brushed off the topic of him moving in. They stayed over at his place if she wanted to spend the night. He never stayed the night in her bed. Clarke couldn't bear it. Clarke played with the chain of the dog tag. The chain that held her wedding band and engagement ring. 

Madi and Clarke were talking with a nurse there. Niylah, while they waited for Finn to get out of surgery. Anya and Luna entered the lobby and Madi squealed in excitement as she ran into their arms. Clarke smiled. People were pulling out their cellphones documenting the soldiers coming home moment. Finn walked out in his scrub cap and white coat. He kissed Clarke's cheek and opened the brown bag of food. 

"Ohhh breakfast burritos?" He asks as his mouth waters trying to unravel it 

Anya carries Madi over. The little girl had her legs wrapped around her body and arms around her neck. Lexa took small steps into the lobby with Indra. People stopped what they were doing and pointed and gasped. Food fell out of Finn's mouth as it went gape in shock. Clarke laughed at him. 

"Babe. You're getting food everywhere." she chuckles grabbing a napkin 

"Clarke..." Niylah says grabbing her wrist and looking over toward Lexa's direction 

Clarke turned around and her entire body froze. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up and goosebumps erupted over her body. Tears hazed her vision and the lump in her throat stopped her from speaking. She just looked into forest green eyes. She forgot how to breathe for a moment. 

"Klark," Lexa said as she took another step with the cane. 

Lexa in uniform was the last thing she thought she'd ever see again. She looked over her. The different bruising covering her face. The stitches on her forehead. The cast on her arm and the limp she walked with were all new things. Her heart thumped wildly. 

"Lexa?" She asked 

"I'm here baby." She says taking another step 

That seemed to snap her out of her haze. She ran forward and jumped into Lexa's arms. She instantly became a hysterical shaking mess. Lexa whispered sweet nothings into her ear until Clarke pulled back. She put her shaking hands on her cheeks and rubbed them softly with her thumbs while she searched green eyes. 

"Tell me this is real." She choked 

Lexa moved forward and captured Clarke's lips in her own. Clarke's hands dropped to her uniform and gripped the front of it tightly pulling her wife as close as possible to her. Lexa dropped her cane and her hands fell to the younger girl's hips. Time seemed to stand still. Finn watched on with wide eyes not fully taking in what was going on. 

Anya and Luna smiled. Raven came over and put her arm around Luna and laid her head on her shoulder. 

Clarke pulled from the kiss out of breath and flushed. She put their foreheads together. 

"I... I don't understand. Lexa, we had a funeral." She said as tears fell down her face 

"I know. I'm so sorry for putting you through that. But I'm home now." She said 

"Lex...what happened?" Clarke asks pulling back 

"Momma. I'm hungry." Madi says 

Clarke wiped her tears and looked over her shoulder. Lexa's bottom lip trembled as she looked at the little girl. Clarke smiled and grabbed Lexa's cane. 

"Madi. Come here, baby." She said 

Madi hid behind Anya's legs 

"Madi. This is your other mommy. Lexa." Clarke says


	4. Chapter Four

Madi poked her head to the side of Anya's leg. Clarke ushered for her to come over. Lexa used her cane and Clarke as leverage to kneel down. Her leg was not what it used to be. Madi took small unsure steps with her aunt. She was clutching onto Anya's pantleg like a lifeline. She began to suck on her thumb, It was a bad habit she had whenever she was nervous or scared.

"Hello, Madi. I've waited a long time to meet you little one." Lexa says as a single tear falls down

Anya falls to her knees and puts her hands on Madi's shoulders. "You know how auntie O is uncle Bel's baby sister?" She asks

Madi nods

"Well, Lexa is Luna and I's baby sister," Anya says

Madi looks over to Lexa and takes her thumb out of her mouth

Lexa gives that famous half-smile. Anya drops her arms and watches the young girls internal debate. How her eyebrows scrunched together while she was deep in thought. She was so much like her baby sister it was comical.

Madi walked until she was face to face with her other mother. She looked at her with curious green eyes. Lexa's breath hitched but she made no move. Afraid that if she did, she would scare the little girl away. Madi put her tiny hands-on Lexa's cheeks and looked over her bruised face.

"You have a boo-boo." She says running her hand along one of the larger bruises

Lexa swallows and nods. Madi looks at her cast. "Uncle Bel had one of those one time," she mumbles

"Yeah?" Lexa asks with a raised brow

"We were playing wrestle mania in the house with auntie O', even though mama said not in the house. She jumped off the couch and landed on him. He cried... Auntie O' said he was being a big baby. Did you cry?" Madi asks

"No baby. I didn't." Lexa replies

"But that's because your mommy isn't a big baby like Bellboy." Raven replies

Anya nudged her with her shoulder

"What? he was totally milking it. O' weighs like 10 pounds. I'm pretty sure Madi weighs more. Back me up, babe." Raven says putting her hand on her hip and looking at Luna

"Don't you drag me into this." Luna laughs holding up her hands in surrender

"He let me draw on it." She says while putting a hand on the cast

"Would you like to draw on mine?" Lexa asks

Madi nods her head as a smile forms on her face

"Does anyone have a marker?" Lexa asks

Madi squeals in excitement and throws her arms around her mother's neck. Lexa was stunned at first with the tiny body colliding into her but she wrapped her arms around her and took a deep breath. This moment right here was what kept her going all these years. She was finally home. She was free.

It was hard to tell who was crying more in that lobby that day. Camera phones are a wonderful invention. They knew they'd have this moment to look back on for years to come. Clarke helped her wife into one of the chairs in the lobby's waiting room. Niylah went through all the drawers behind the desk and found various colored sharpies and brought them over to Madi.

Abby had just come out of surgery and she looked like she had seen a ghost. Well, technically she had. Lexa was probably the last person she thought she'd see in the lobby. Indra saw her and she walked over to the other mother.

"I have so many questions," Abby says

"I think we all do but the important thing is that she is finally home where she belongs," Indra says with a smile looking at her granddaughter's beaming face as she picked out the marker she wanted.

Abby looked over to Finn and gave a sad smile. Indra followed her gaze.

"He is a good man," Indra said

"But he is not her," Abby replies simply

Indra hums in agreeance

It was hard for Clarke to even consider letting someone else in her heart in the beginning. She spiraled into a hole of depression within the first few months. She initially had a lot of hope. Her wife was strong, she was one of the best soldiers they had. She would find her way home. These were the things she'd tell herself over and over again. As each new day came, her hope slowly died down.

Abby knew it wasn't healthy for her to be wallowing in bed for days. She came over many times to find Clarke crying in a ball with the framed photo she kept on her nightstand of Lexa in uniform, clutched to her chest. Luckily her daughter was on maternity leave so she didn't have to worry about coming back to work right away.

But being a new mother was heartbreaking without your other half. Lexa was missing every moment of the newborn's life. It was even harder looking into those familiar green orbs. She wasn't sure she could do it if she were honest with herself. Indra and Abby were over as much as possible. 

Clarke got herself together after five months. She realized that she is on her own now. That her baby needs her to be okay. This precious little bundle of joy. This gift she has. A piece of her and her love. She threw all of her energy into being the best mother she could. She still held her breath anytime an unknown number from overseas called. She didn't want to believe it.

After Lexa was declared dead, Clarke felt like in a way she had the closure she needed. She was no longer waiting for phone calls overseas in the slight hope she'd hear the words she wanted. That they found her. She accepted that she was gone and she knew Lexa would want her to be happy. It was a conversation they had often when she went overseas. The what-if conversation. It wasn't one Clarke liked but Lexa was always practical. She knew the dangers of her job and she knew nothing was guaranteed. When they found out Clarke was pregnant, Lexa said she was going to be done after this tour. She'd come home for good and put her degree to use.

She pushed forward with work. Abby tried to get her to go out with various co-workers but Clarke always declined. She had Madi and that was all she needed. Time continued to move on. Madi grew older. She was two now. Clarke fell back into her love for art. They would paint together. Madi would always make a giant mess but she lived for her daughter's laughter.

Work was work. She made it through each day. One day at a time. Niylah was a good friend to her. She made her transition back to work easy when she returned to the hospital after her maternity leave the first year. She was grateful for everyone's support at work. It wasn't easy juggling the work schedule and a baby. Abby continually tried to push her despite her protests. She knew her mom meant well but she would never understand the war going on in Clarke's heart every night when she came home.

One day a floppy-haired boy named Finnigan Collins had transferred to the hospital. He was some big shot neurosurgeon. Abby asked for Clarke to make him feel welcomed. She never intended on dating again. That's what she told herself. She had her daughter and that was enough. But was it? she asked herself. She felt broken and empty. She wasn't sure if she'd ever truly be happy again. But Finn had this charm about him. He didn't pressure her for anything other than friendship. He was just there and understood her when nobody else seemed to.

The first year they were technically together? if you can even call it dating. It was really just them eating meals together and sharing work stories. There was no romance to it. It felt more friendly than anything. It was a small town after all. Everyone knew about the young single mother who became a widow. She knew she wasn't ready for anything more at that time. After about six months of doing that, Abby tried to talk to Clarke about what she and Finn were doing. It didn't go well initially. 

"All I'm saying is he's a nice boy," Abby says holding up her hands in surrender

"He's not her mom," Clarke says as she wrestles with Madi to get out of the bathtub

"Nobody can ever replace her honey. But I think you should see how it goes. Allow yourself a chance to be happy again." Abby says

"I can never love someone the way I loved her mom. Every single fiber of my body was in love with Lexa. She could light me on fire with just a touch. I will never feel that again." Clarke sighs drying off the wiggling toddler

"There's many different kinds of love. It's okay if it's different. It won't ever change what you had with her. Just think about it." Abby says as she held out her arms to take Madi

She did think it over. After a week of internal debate, she decided she really had nothing to lose. It had been three years. Not that there was a real timeline to grieving. But she knew her mother was right. She hated admitting that but she did have this conversation many times with Lex. She wanted her to move on and find happiness. So she took a deep breath and asked Finn what they were doing. He asked what she wanted and she nervously said she's not sure but she thinks she might be ready to try and be something more if that's what he wanted.

Over time, they grew closer. Working with someone 80 hours a week will do that. She eventually introduced him to Madi. They got along but Madi didn't really care for him too much. She was little and only cared about watching the same Disney movie for the millionth time. Or if she got mac n cheese for dinner every night. She was easily pleased if Clarke were being honest with herself.

Madi was too young at the time to understand that she had another parent and it was still a hard topic for Clarke. She had no idea how to tell a toddler they have another parent. So she decided when she was old enough to understand, she would tell her all about her first love. Her soulmate. She was only three after all. She spoke in shaky unsure sentences. Clarke knew it was too soon.

But Madi didn't wait to find out about her. She was a curious little one. So much like her wife in many ways, Her curiosity always got the best of her too. Madi got into the footlocker trunk that held Lexa's things. Luna and Anya brought it home with them when they came for the funeral. A 32x16 metal box held everything that was left of the soldier. They had kept it in their barracks all that time. They didn't want to part with it but they knew it wasn't there's to keep.

It remained untouched in her closet until the toddler got into it that day. Clarke couldn't bring herself to go through it. She had opened the trunk one day and then decided she couldn't do it. So it stayed there open and waiting. She knew it would destroy whatever was left of her heart. So she was shocked, to say the least when she walked into her room and found Madi playing with the ribbons and medals on her wife's green uniform coat. She walked over and sat on the floor of her closet. She pulled Madi into her lap. She ran her hand over the nametag on the all too familiar jacket.

"You may not remember this but I'm going to tell you about her. Your other mother. Her name was Alexandria. God, she hated when I called her that." Clarke chuckled as she wiped a stray tear 

Madi balled her little hands into the material of the jacket

Clarke looked into the trunk and pulled out a stack of photos. She smiled looking at the one on top. It was the two of them at her graduation. She set it down and the next photo was their wedding.

"This is her baby. Look at how beautiful she was. You look just like her." Clarke said showing her the photo

Madi tried to grab it. Clarke laid it down and started going through all the different ones in the stack. She continued through the trunk to find a box. Her brows furrowed in confusion as to why a box would be in here. Clarke opened the box and it was every letter they had written to each other over the years. Her breath hitched. She opened the first letter and she could see the dried tear stains on the page. It was when she told her wife she was pregnant. She smiled at it and kissed the top of Madi's head. She read through a few of them before setting them aside.

"I loved her so much. She was everything and more. I don't even know how to put into words what she meant to me... She would have been a great mother. You would have given her a run for her money though trouble maker." Clarke says as she ran her hand through brown locks 

Clarke stood there watching Madi's tongue peek out of her mouth and her little brows furrow in concentration as she drew away on the cast. She looked at her wife's smiling face and she felt whole again. She knew she had two things to do at this point. She took a deep breath and walked towards Finn. 

"Hey." She said quietly 

He gave a forced smile 

"We should talk." She says 

He nods. Clarke let her mother know that they will be right back. She wanted to spare him from having to have this conversation around prying ears. They walked into one of the on-call rooms. She sat on the empty bunk. He leaned back against the wall. 

Clarke went to open her mouth but he cut her off 

"I know what you're going to say." He says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa will be transitioning home next chapter and learning all that has happened while she was gone. Then we will be diving into her current injuries and PTSD will come into play. We will also be exploring Lincoln as well and what exactly happened over the years.


	5. Chapter Five

"Finn..." Clarke says 

He takes a deep breath and swallows his emotions. "She's the love of your life Clarke. There's nothing to even discuss. You've never looked at me the way you looked at her out there. Hell, I don't think anyone has ever looked at me like that." He chuckles 

Clarke starts wiping at her face profusely as tears fall

"I've never been kissed like that either. Everyone in that room could feel the love you two have. She came home, Clarke. Against all odds, she's here. I knew what she meant to you. Who am I to try and stand in the way of that. What I'm trying to say is you don't have to worry about me. I understand." He says as he moves to sit down on the bed and puts a hand on her leg

A sob breaks from the blonde. "I'm so sorry Finn. I'm not sorry she's here because I can't tell you how many nights I begged for this moment. But I am sorry that you got hurt in the process. You were nothing but patient and loving to Madi and me. You are such an amazing man Finn." She says 

"But I'm not her," Finn says quietly 

"No," Clarke replies softly 

They both look into each other's eyes for a moment. Clarke watches a flurry of emotions run through his eyes. She knew she just ripped his heart out but she couldn't deny that the moment she ran into Lexa's arms it felt like coming home after a long trip. She felt relieved and at peace. Something she hasn't felt in years. 

"I'm going to hitch a ride with Jackson. I'm also taking the food home with me." Finn says shooting her a playful wink

"Finn, I can still give you a ride," Clarke argues 

"I appreciate it but I'll be okay. Take your wife home, Clarke." He says as he stands up and gives her a faint smile before leaving 

Indra and Abby had discussed Lexa's medical files being sent over from the hospital in Germany. She told Indra she would have Jackson look it over and see what they can do about her leg. Indra thanked her. 

Finn walked out of the on-call room and cleared his throat as he wiped at his eyes. He really did care about the blonde and the little girl. He looked over through the glass of the double doors and saw how happy Lexa and Madi looked together. He turned on his heels and set off for the locker room to change. 

Clarke came back into the lobby and sat down next to Lexa. She laid her head on her wife's shoulder. Lexa kissed the top of her head and then turned her attention back to the girl who was lost in her own creative mind as she drew on the cast. After a few more minutes Madi finished and closed the cap on the marker with a triumphant smile. 

"All finished?" Clarke asked 

Madi nodded her head. Lexa and Clarke looked down. It was an unevenly drawn house and two larger stick figures and one smaller stick figure. There was a big sun above and what she thinks are birds. "Do you like it?" Madi asked as she bit her lip nervously 

"Who are they?" Lexa asked even though she could figure out the answer 

"It's the three of us. See you're this one and momma is this one. The little one is me. We both have curly hair and momma has straight hair." Madi says pointing at the different figures 

"I love it, Madi," Lexa says with a smile 

The little girl mirrors her smile. Clarke fishes out a five-dollar bill from her pocket and hands it to Madi. "Why don't you go bribe your aunts to take you to get some candy from the vending machine so I can talk to momma." She says 

Madi snatches the bill and bolts off towards her aunts. They watch as their tiny daughter grabbed Raven's hand and starts dragging her through the hall yelling to hurry up. They both share a laugh.

"Are you ready to go home?" Clarke asks 

"More than you know," Lexa replies 

"There's something I need to tell you." She says 

Lexa looks at her and nods for her to continue. Clarke intertwines her hand with her wife's. 

"I was seeing someone... after the funeral, I decided it might be time to try and be happy again," she says quietly 

"And were you?" Lexa asks tucking blonde hair behind her ear 

"Not truly. It was so hard without you and I feel like that's not fair of me to say when I can't even imagine what you've been through all this time. But we talked and broke things off... Finn and I. He was the dr with the hair earlier." She says 

She nods and hesitates for a moment before speaking up. "What now?" She asks 

"You're my wife," Clarke says 

"Clarke, I don't want you to feel like you owe me something. I want you to be happy even if it's without me. It's been years. I'd understand." She says as she looks into blue eyes 

"I can't live without you. I've tried all this time when I thought you were dead. There's no way I could not be with you now knowing you're alive...you're the love of my life, Lex." Clarke says 

Lexa grabs her by the back of her neck and pulls her in for a kiss. It's slow and soft but conveys what she can't seem to put into words. They break and she rests her forehead against her wife's. 

"Take me home Clarke." She says 

Clarke kisses her forehead and stands up. She holds out a hand and helps the older girl up. Madi comes running back down the hall with two bags of candy. Raven is hot on her heels chasing her. Luna and Anya walk into the room shaking their heads at their antics. 

"You ready to go?" Clarke asks 

Madi runs over and hands Lexa a bag of m&m's. "Anya said these were your favorite." She says 

"It is. Thank you Madi," she says 

She puts it in her side pocket. The same place she used to keep the candy her sister would give her from their MRE'S. Chocolate was a gold mine from those meal packages. They only came with four options. m&m's, A blueberry cobbler, cookies that were hard as the rocks that seemed to embed themselves into her back when they got stuck sleeping in the dirt on missions, and granola. She only wanted the chocolate though. Her older sisters were such suckers though and would trade with her. She smiles at the little gesture and shoots her big sis a thankful nod. 

Madi grabs Lexa's hand and starts walking towards the exit

"Slow down Madi, mommy can't walk as fast as you," Clarke says looking at Lexa 

"I'm okay Clarke. It's just a limp." She says 

It was more than just a limp but Clarke would know that once her medical files arrived. She wouldn't know the unbearable pain she was in. Anya loaded Lexa's bag into the trunk of her old jeep. Clarke gave her a hug while Luna helped her baby sister get into the lifted vehicle. The ride home was quiet at first. Clarke looked over to see her wife staring out the window. She clicked on the radio. They listened to a song and then it switched to another song. One that featured gunshots. 

As soon as the gunshots popped off in the song Lexa's breathing picked up. She screwed her eyes shut and swallowed. All she heard were gunshots in her head. she could still taste the gunpowder in the air. She could feel the debris falling overhead after an explosion went off. 

She could still hear their voices 

"We have contact!" Anya says

"Woods get your head out of your ass!" Quint yelled 

"Open your eyes, Lex!" Luna called 

When she opened her eyes, she was no longer in the car with her wife and child. She was back there. She remembered this day well. It was during one of her earlier tours overseas. It was the place she hated talking about. The things she saw and did that day. It's something that haunted her sleep for years to come. 

"There she is." A gruff man said with a grin

His name was Jack. Jack Stiller. This was his sixth tour. His unit was sent out with theirs. He had a tattoo of a Jack playing card on his forearm. Jack of all trades he'd say with a wink. He was a good man. He made the ultimate sacrifice that day. The truth is they all wouldn't be here today if he hadn't. 

They were trapped in a firefight. Their intel was bad and the mission quickly went sideways. There was gunfire everywhere. Friendly and enemy. 

"Friendly fire Jesus Quint!" Ryder called out as he threw himself behind the wall 

"Stay out of my line of sight." He grunted back as he peeked around the corner and killed two men

"We are sitting ducks here!" Lexa said as she rounded the corner and fired off a few rounds 

It all happened so fast. She hesitated for the first time in her life. She hesitated and it cost a man his life. Hell, it almost cost them all their lives. She still remembers how the hair stood up on the back of her neck. How the goosebumps erupted over her skin. How time just seemed to stop. She couldn't process what had happened like she needed to. 

She went to shoot but there was a boy. A child. No older than 12. He didn't belong here. This was no place for someone so young. The thing they don't tell you is your enemies come in many forms. They challenge you in many ways. But out there if you hesitate, you die. Her breath caught in her throat and her finger came off the trigger. But the boy, he did not hesitate. He was a boy with a plan. He had revenge in his eyes. 

She heard the rolling sound of the grenade on the ground that he threw. She watched the pin he took out of it hit the ground by his feet. She felt Anya wrap her arms around her waist and trying desperately to pull her back. She felt the oncoming bullet enter her body. The bullet that managed to go clean through her and embed itself in her sister who was only trying to save her. She got her shot. 

Jack didn't freeze though. He sprung into action. She didn't even realize he had been watching too. The second he saw the grenade in the boy's hand he sprung into action. When time finally seemed to catch up to her head, she saw his body covering the grenade on the ground. The explosion went off sending them flying back. She rolled over clutching her throbbing head. Her hazy vision suddenly coming to. 

"NOOO!" She cried out looking at the destruction 

But your enemy doesn't stop. They don't stop when you lose someone or when you get shot. They only stop when they're dead. She stumbled to her feet. She watched the enemy pour in from a different direction. She didn't freeze that time. She felt that need for revenge. She understood that boy's plan. She watched as bodies hit the floor. Children, men, elders. She killed until there were no bullets left in her gun. She heard the clicking sound indicating she had run out. But she wasn't done. She was still so angry. 

Luna spun her around and put her hands on her face "It's over. Put the gun down." she says calmly 

The other team had cleared their hall and made their way over for support. They were alive and going home today. But not because of her. No. Because of her, a man died. A father, brother, husband. He doesn't get to go home the same way they do. He's going home to be laid to rest. She still sees his face when she closes her eyes. She still feels the sting of the bullet sometimes. That day served as a reminder for the young soldier. She never made that mistake again. She became the ruthless commander after that. 

The music stopped and it was like waking up from a nightmare. She jolted back to consciousness and her breathing was all over the place. She put her hands in front of her on the dash trying to ground herself. She felt her wife's hand rubbing her thigh.

"You're okay. You're safe." She said 

Lexa looked over and could see the concern in those blue eyes. She looked back toward Madi who had her knees tucked into her chest and was sucking her thumb. She was scared. She had scared her. She threw her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and gently grabbed Clarke's hand. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered 

"Are you okay?" Clarke asked 

Lexa nodded 

"We're here. We're home Lex." Clarke says


	6. Chapter Six

Lexa calms her heart rate down and she turns around to look at Madi. 

"I'm sorry for scaring you, baby." She says

Madi pulls her knees further into her chest. Clarke turns around to face their daughter. 

"You know how sometimes you have bad dreams?" Clarke asks 

Madi nods her head 

"Well, the song made momma think of a bad dream she had. So she got scared." Clarke says 

Madi lets her thumb fall out of her mouth and look at Lexa 

"Are you scared of the dark too?" She asks 

Lexa looks at her with a puzzled expression 

"I don't like the dark. I have bad dreams when it's dark. Mommy makes sure to turn on my night light so I don't get scared. You can borrow it so you don't scared." she says 

Lexa smiles at her daughter's innocence. "Thank you, Madi but momma isn't afraid of the dark." She says 

"Then what are you scared of?" She asks 

"Why don't we help momma get inside? I'm sure she is tired from all the traveling to get here." Clarke says cutting off the discussion 

Madi nods her head. Clarke gets out of the car and unbuckled Madi from the car seat and puts her down on the ground. She moves around to the passenger seat and opens the door. Lexa swings her legs around. Clarke helps her get down. She places steady hands on her hips and Lexa's hands fall on her shoulders. Clarke kisses her forehead and then grabs her cane and helps her get into the home. 

Madi grabs Lexa's hand and gave her a tour of it. Even though this was her home, there were a lot of changes. Photos of Madi, her wife, and their friends decorated the walls along with various artwork from the little girl. There was a framed photo of her tiny handprint. Lexa let go of Madi's hand and put it up to the photo gently. 

Clarke grabbed the bags from the back of the jeep and hauled them inside. Madi was explaining every photo to her. Clarke walked inside and saw her wife crying while looking at the photos. She put the bags down and walked over. She wrapped her arms around her wife's waist and kissed her neck. 

"I missed it all Clarke..." She says quietly 

"You're here now. We'll make new memories. She's still so young." Clarke says 

"I missed her first everything," Lexa says 

"Well...we could always have another one. Down the line, if you want. Something we can table for a later discussion." Clarke says shrugging her shoulders 

Lexa wrapped her arms over Clarkes. "I'd like that," she says with a smile 

"As much as I love a woman in uniform, why don't we get you out of this thing," Clarke says 

Clarke tells Madi to go ahead and pick out a movie and make popcorn while Lexa takes a shower and gets changed. Clarke helps her up the stairs to their room. Lexa sits down on the bed and Clarke unlaces her combat boots and sets them aside. She helps her out of the camo jacket and unbuckled the belt and slides it off. 

She walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower. She walks out of the room and comes back with a cover to go over her cast to keep it from getting wet. Her mother had sent them home with it. Lexa went into the bathroom and shut the door. She stripped the rest of her clothes and took her hair out of the bun. Long brown hair cascaded down. She was cleaned up in the hospital when she was unconscious but this would be her first shower since she had been captured. 

They didn't care about cleanliness when they torture you. She took a deep breath and walked into the shower. She felt the water on her body. She closed her eyes and let the water hit her skin. Clarke was digging through the dresser drawers to find her wife's favorite pair of sweatpants and the college sweatshirt she used to wear religiously. She wanted to give her some sense of familiarity. 

She washed her body and grabbed the handheld showerhead. She wanted a different setting and turned the dial. Water shot into her face at an unexpected intensity. Water flooded into her nose and mouth. She dropped the showerhead and it dangled in the air against the shower tiles. She gripped the shower rack and coughed aggressively trying to breathe. She shut her eyes and her knuckles turned white gripping the rack.

"Again." The man seethed 

She knew it was coming but there's no way to prepare your body for it. She was being waterboarded. They expected her to break. But she didn't. She was a month into her time at the compound. She didn't know how long this would go on before they decide to just kill her. There were a few times where she almost drowned and they had to do CPR to keep her alive. Sometimes she wished they'd just let her die. 

The water finally stopped and the rag was removed from her face. She coughed violently trying to get the water out so she could breathe. The man grabbed her roughly by the throat. 

"Tell us where your base is." He growled 

"Go to hell." She spat back 

He tightened his grip on her throat and watched her face go from red to purple. He finally released her and she struggled to try and catch her breath. He backhanded her. 

"You will talk. They all do eventually." He smirks 

He gave a nod and the wet rag was placed back over her face and the water flowed over her again. She was exhausted. She had been fighting for air for the past three hours. There's only so much a person can physically handle. But this game was about mental toughness more than physical. She had to mentally be strong enough to handle this game. Being tortured. Being left without food or water for days. Living in solitude in a small cell. It was as much mental as anything. But she had to be strong. Clarke needed her. Her unborn child needed her. 

Clarke heard Lexa coughing and burst through the bathroom door. She saw Lexa's body shaking while holding onto the rack. The showerhead hitting the tile wall as water flowed out. She kicked off her shoes, took her jacket off, and laid her phone down. She opened the sliding door. 

"Baby," Clarke said cautiously as she walked into the shower in her jeans and t-shirt. 

Lexa was unresponsive to her. Clarke didn't know how to help her. She had never seen her like this. She put a hand on her wife's bare shoulder and Lexa spun around and had her pinned against the shower wall with her casted arm against her throat. 

Clarke's eyes went wide in fear. "Lexa. It's me. It's Clarke." She said as she put her hands on her wife's chest to try and push her back a little. 

Green eyes finally looked at her with realization. She let go of Clarke and backed away until her bareback hit the glass door. She looked at her with sad defeated eyes. 

"Clarke-" She croaked out 

Clarke gasped for air "It's okay." She says 

"I could have hurt you." She says shaking her head 

"You didn't. I'm fine." Clarke says as she moves forward 

Lexa moves away from her. "Stay back." She cries

"Baby come here please." Clarke pleads 

Lexa shakes her head as hot tears fall out of her eyes 

Clarke moves forward and Lexa was backed into the corner of the shower. 

"Clarke-" She warned in a panicked voice 

"Let me help you Lexa," Clarke says softly as she stops moving and waits for her wife to allow her to

The brunette shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath. They stood there for a few minutes in silence. The only sound being the running water. She gives a single nod. Clarke pulls her into her arms and rubs her back. Lexa breaks down in her arms. She gripped Clarke's wet shirt and sobs into her shoulder. 

"You're home now. They can't hurt you anymore." Clarke whispers as she continues to rub her back 

"It was awful." Lexa choked out 

"I am so sorry," Clarke says as she tries to keep her emotions at bay 

"I thought I was going to die over there... I almost did a few times." Lexa whispered 

"Oh Lex," Clarke says she hugs her even tighter 

They stood there for a few minutes while Lexa released all the emotions she had forced down over those years. Clarke continued to hold her and rub her back as she sobbed. After a while, the crying turned into light sniffles. 

"I'm not okay Clarke," Lexa said quietly 

"I know baby. We'll get you the help you need." She says as she runs her hand through wet curls 

Lexa remains quiet. She didn't want to talk to some shrink. They'd just label her as another soldier with PTSD. She wasn't broken. She just couldn't get the voices in her head to stop sometimes. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to be free of her demons. 

"Did you finish in here?" Clarke asked 

"I didn't wash my hair... I was going to but the showerhead and the water." She said as she swallowed her emotions 

"Is it okay if I wash your hair?" Clarke asked 

Lexa nodded 

Clarke grabbed the showerhead and turned it back to a lighter setting. She put it back into the regular shower position above. 

"Is this okay?" Clarke asked pointing to the showerhead

Lexa nodded 

Clarke grabbed the shampoo and carefully cleaned the curly hair. She placed light kisses along the older girl's face and neck as she rinsed it out. She took the loofa and soap and began to gently clean her wife's body. She wanted to make her feel clean and cared for. She placed light kisses along her body as she went.

Clarke stripped out of her wet clothes and cleaned herself quickly. Figuring she was already in the shower. Might as well do it now so she didn't have to later. Once they were both clean Clarke shut off the water and grabbed two towels. She wrapped Lexa in hers and then wrapped one around herself. She walked them into their bedroom and helped her get into her sweats. Clarke changed into a pair of pajamas. Lexa sat on the bed with her hands in her lap. 

"Thank you," She said softly after a few minutes of silence passed 

"I'm here for you. Whatever you need. We'll take it one day at a time together." Clarke says 

"One day at a time," Lexa says in agreeance 

Madi knocked on the door "Can we watch the movie yet?" She asks 

Lexa smiles and she gets up off the bed. She holds out her hand and Clarke intertwines their fingers. She grabs her cane and they make their way down the stairs. She helps Lexa lay down on the couch and brings her a glass of water and her pain medication. Madi lays her head on Lexa's chest and wraps her tiny arm around her waist. Lexa places her hand over the girl's back. 

Clarke smiled at the sight. Somehow she knew they would be okay. It wouldn't be easy but they would figure it out together. One day at a time she told herself.

"Hurry up mom!" Madi yelled out 

"Alright alright. I'm right here." She chuckled as she sat down. 

Madi started the movie and it didn't take long for both her girls to fall asleep. Soft snores coming from both of them. She quietly went upstairs and retrieved her phone. She came back downstairs and snapped a photo of the two of them. She smiled and laid back on the couch and let sleep consume her. 

Lexa woke in the middle of the night. She was on the couch with a blanket wrapped over her. Clarke was on the far end of the couch. She squinted her eyes but didn't see Madi. She noticed a light coming from behind her. She turned her head and saw the Disney princess nightlight plugged into the wall. Lexa smiled and laid her head back down. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.


End file.
